Potter Puppet Pals: Where is Snape?
by DarkLordKardos
Summary: Harry and Ron just want to bother their least favorite professor, but he is nowhere to be found. A quest across Hogwarts begins! And now, ends.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter Puppet Pals: Where is Snape

Harry Potter Puppet Pals: Where is Snape?

(NOTE: Spoilers from the 7th book abound. I'd be surprised if you haven't read it already, but if that is the case, I did warn you.)

Ron: What do you want to do today, Harry?

Harry: I know! Let's go bother Snape!

Hermione: Don't you guys get tired of doing that all the time?

Harry: Um...

Ron: No.

Harry: Not really.

Hermione: And you do know it's breaking about ten school rules?

Ron: Uh, yeah.

Harry: Your point?

Hermione: Sigh...

(Harry & Ron go to Snape's office.)

Harry: Hey, where's Snape?

Ron: Hey, maybe he's in this large suspicious iron pot!

(Pot falls over.)

Harry: I swear I didn't touch it.

Dobby: Oh, bad, bad Dobby!

Harry: Hey, I thought you were dead, Dobby!

Dobby: And I thought you were out of school and Snape was dead, Harry Potter.

Ron: Erm...awkward.

Harry:...Well, we're glad you're back, Dobby! Group hug!

(Awww)

Harry: Now where's Snape? He wasn't in the pot.

Ron: Or in this (SMASH) priceless goblin-made vase!

Dobby: Or in this ferocious three-headed dog!

Harry & Ron: Um...what?

Fluffy: ROAR!

Fluffy 2: ROARIER ROAR!

Fluffy 3: ROARIEST ROAR!!

Dobby: Oh, bad, bad, Dobby! He must punish himself with the cactus and the croquet mallet again!

Harry: No, no, Dobby, there's no time.

Ron: When we find Snape, I'm sure he'll be happy to punish you himself.

Harry: Instead of us.

Dobby: Oh, you're right! You're so smart, Harry Potter!

(They run away like scared little schoolgirls)

Voldemort: Halt!

Harry: Oh, not you again! The last sentence of the last chapter of the last book clearly says "His scar had not pained him in 19 years. All was well." ALL WAS WELL! Can't you read?

Voldemort: Ah ha ha ha...Foolish boy. Don't you know evil never dies?

Harry: Avada Ke-Die Already!

Voldemort: Hey, that's...the spell is...oh, damn it.(Dies.)

Dobby: Oh, you are so brave, Harry Potter! You killed He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Harry:...Again.

Dumbledore: Halt again! I must tell you something of grave importance!

Harry: Dumbledore! We thought you were...oh, never mind.

Ron: Death doesn't seem to be a problem in this story.

Dumbledore: Snape is...IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

If you think these are dumb and want me to stop, say the word

If you think these are dumb and want me to stop, say the word.

I'll keep doing them anyway! Muaahahahahahahaha! :D

PART II

Harry: The chamber of...wait a second! Why the hell would Snape be there?!

Dumbledore: Does Snape have a reason for doing _anything?_

Harry: Hmmm...good point. Let's go, Ron! Dobby!

Dumbledore: Hmmm. It seems Weasley and Potter have departed. That leaves me. Jolly old Dumbledore. Doop de doop de dooo...Naked Time!

IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS...

Dobby: Oh no, Harry Potter! Dobby is getting bad feelings from this place!

Ron: Oh, be quiet. Harry killed the basilisk and destroyed the diary.

If worst comes to worst, Fawkes will just swoop in and save us again, or Harry'll pull a sword out of a hat, or something.

Harry: Quiet! I hear a noise!

Ron: Is it a mysterious ticking noise?

Harry:…No.

Dobby: Look!

(A long, scaly thing is curled up in their path.)

Ron: It's a...a s-snake!

Harry: Oh toughen up. It's only a snakeskin.

Ron: No! It's a snake!

Harry: Skin!

Ron: Snake!

Harry: Skin!

Ron: Snake!

Harry: Skin!

Raaaaaaah!

Harry: Um, Ron, what's a 'raaaaaah?'

Ron: Actually, I think that was the basilisk.

Harry: You idiot, a basilisk's a snake, not a 'raaaaah.'

Ron: How about, RUUUUUUUN!

Harry: No, it's not that either--OMG IT'S A BASILISK!

(They run away like scared little schoolgirls again)

Fred the Basilisk: Why's everyone so scared of me?

Harry: Pant, pant, dang it, where's Snape?

Ron: Maybe he's in that large, intimidating statue over there.

Harry: Statueus Explodicus! Nope, not there.

Ron: Hmmmmm...This is taking forever. _Accio Snape!_

...

Ron: Well, it might have worked...

Fred the Basilisk: Hi!

Ron, Harry, & Dobby: Aaaaaaah!

Fred the Basilisk: There they go with the screaming again. It's just not fair. I didn't ask to be a 70-foot long snake, but everyone sees me and screams. Sigh...

Ron: Um, h-have you s-seen a g-guy n-named S-s-severus S-snape?

Fred the Basilisk: Greasy?

Harry: Yep.

Fred the Basilisk: Sour expression?

Ron: Yep.

Fred the Basilisk: Looks like an overgrown bat who just ate a bucket of lemons?

Harry: Yyyyyep, that's him. Where'd he go?

Fred the Basilisk: I ate him.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Fred the Basilisk: Then I spat him out.

Harry: Phew, you had me for a second.

Fred the Basilisk: Gosh, you're a giant snake and no one lets you finish your sentences, either. Sigh...what's the use.

Harry: So where is he now?

Fred the Basilisk: I don't know.

Ron: Any ideas?!

Fred the Basilisk: I meant I didn't know FOR SURE. I tell you, why couldn't I be a cute little bunny or something. People don't listen to basilisks, oh no, they just scream and run.

Harry: Sorry. I'll be sure to put in a good word for you with Hagrid sometime.

Ron: So...?

Fred the Basilisk: Well, when I spat him through the roof, I'm pretty sure he was headed...

Harry: Yes?

Ron: Go on!

Dobby: Dobby implores!

Fred the Basilisk:...for the Forbidden Forest.

Ron: Oh, bullocks.

to be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

PART III

PART III

ON THE EDGE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST...

Harry: So, the Forbidden Forest. Does anybody get the weird feeling that we're going to have to go through all the most dangerous parts of Hogwarts to find Snape?

Ron: Um...huh?

Dobby: Dobby doesn't understand, Harry Potter sir.

Harry: Hm. Just a feeling.

Ron: Why don't we ever go on adventures during the daytime?

Harry: Because it loses its dramatic, spooky feel.

Ron:...And we want a dramatic, spooky feel why?

Harry: Let's just go.

Ron: Hey look! A light!

Harry: Yeah, I see it!

Dobby: Maybe it's Snape!

Harry: Probably not, but let's follow it! Anything shiny has to be good!

(They get to the light.)

Ron: Ooh, it's a person.

Harry: A see-through person.

Dobby: Um, masters, it's a gh--

Ron: Shh. Hey, see-through person!

(See-through person turns around.)

Ron: Hi! I'm Ron Weasley and this is Harry Potter! Y'know, the famous Harry Potter! Who vanquished You-Know-Who!

Harry: Three times, in fact!

Ron: Why aren't you saying anything, See-Through Person?

Dobby: Because it's a gho--

Ron: Shush, Dobby! I'm trying to be polite! It's not nice to call people "it."

Dobby: And it's not nice to cause the death of innocent house elves either! Run away!

Harry: Oh be nice, Dobby. I'm sure he's just got a tragic health problem that causes him to glow in the dark. Nothing to be afraid

o--

Ghost: Now you die!

Harry: Scratch that. Run away!

(They run away like scared little schoolgirls)

Ron: Why can't we run like schoolBOYS once in a while?

Harry: I don't know, girls run faster.

Ron: Bullshi--

Dobby: Look over there!

(A giant swarm of giant spiders is coming towards them)

Ron: Not again!

Harry: Wingardium Leviosa!

(A spider lifts into the air)

Ron: Oh, nice job, Harry. You've only made it creepier.

Spider: Oi! That's not very nice!

Ron: Aaaaah! A floating, talking spider! This day just gets better and better!

Harry: Erm, Mr. Spider? Have you seen anyone named Snape lately?

Spider: Let me think...Yeah, actually. And my name's not Mr. Spider. It's Robert Octovengian the Third. I'm an inventor, I am.

Harry: And what do you invent?

Spider: Ever heard of the World Wide Web? Her her her...

Harry: Right. Where'd Snape go?

Spider: Last I saw 'im, he was flyin' away like some demented crow.

Ron: Any idea where he was headed for?

Spider: I'm gettin' there. Anyhow, he was flyin' an' then suddenly he caught on fire!

Harry: Must have been some potion gone wrong.

Ron: Or the Dungbomb I slipped in his robes this morning.

Harry: That would do it.

Spider: He was above the lake at th' time, so he started to fall and then a big ol' squid tentacle came out an' grabbed him an' pulled him in!

Harry: Okay...so the giant squid's got him?

Spider: No, silly! It's the giant octopus! Her her her...

Ron: Why has a bothering mission suddenly turned into a rescue mission?

Harry: I don't know, but we're going to need a lot of gillyweed.

Guess what…to be continued


	4. Chapter 4

How long until I run out of ideas?

Oh yeah. Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the Potter Puppet Pals. The books were written by J.K. Rowling, and the puppets were created by Neil Cicierega.

Also, thank you, Lime-Wielding Ninja, for reviewing. I likes reviews much.

Now that that stuff is out of the way, on to the craziness!

PART IV

ON THE EDGE OF THE HOGWARTS LAKE...

Dobby: Well, since Snape is deep in the depths of the lake, I suppose he won't mind if Dobby borrows some more gillyweed. After all, it is to save him! (Dobby disappears)

Ron:...So we can bother him.

(Dobby reappears)

Dobby: Here you go, masters! Fresh, salty, gillyweed!

(Harry, Ron and Dobby swallow it)

Harry: Disgusting!

Ron: Revolting!

Dobby: Just like Dobby's mother used to make!

Ron: Aaaah! I'm turning into a fish!

Dobby: Don't worry, master, you're only growing gills.

Ron: Easy for you to say! With you it makes no difference!

(Everyone jumps into the lake)

Harry: Ooh, it's dark down here.

Ron: I thought you've been here before.

Harry: That was in the daytime.

Ron: Oh, right..."dramatic, spooky feel"...gotcha.

Dobby: Dobby thinks he sees something big down there, Harry Potter!

Harry: Lumos!

The Squid: Argh! Stop shining that light in me eyes!

Harry: Whoa!

Ron: First the basilisk, then the spiders...now the SQUID is talking? What next...Hedwig?!

Harry: Um, Mr. Squid--I can call you that, right?

The Squid: S'pose.

Harry: Right, a little bird told us that you took a guy named Severus Snape down here.

Ron: Actually, it was a spi--

Harry: Be quiet!

The Squid: Per'aps, per'aps not. Depends. Was he tasty?

Harry: Um...I'm hazarding a guess at no.

The Squid: Well, tha' narrows it down a bit.

Snape: What is this rumpus?

Harry & Ron: Snape! You're alive!!

Snape: Oh no. It's Potter and Weasley, come to bother me again. I should run.

The Squid: Oi! You said you'd teach me magic!

Snape: Well, first of all, I'm sorry to say that's quite impossible.

The Squid: What? (Starts to cry)

Snape: It's quite hard to make ten identical wands, especially if you have no idea how to make

even one and you're at the bottom of a dark lake.

The Squid: S...s'pose...Waaaaaaaahhhhh!

Snape: I'm sorry, my friend. You and I have a lot in common. Perhaps I'll come back some time.

The Squid: Th-that would be nice.

Snape: Yes. Farewell for now.

Harry: Bothering time!

Snape: And now is when I make my daring escape. (Shoots through the water and out of the lake)

Ron: How'd he do that?

Harry: More importantly, how was he breathing underwater?

Dobby: More more importantly, how the !# are we supposed to get out of here?

Ron: Dobby! Such language!

Dobby: Oh, bad bad Dobby!

Harry: Can't we just swim?

Dobby: No, Harry Potter! The gillyweed only lasts for ten minutes!

Harry: Whaaaaaaat? The last time, it lasted me at least an hour!

Dobby: Well, it's low-budget gillyweed.

Harry: Gah! Can we Apparate?

Ron: No! Hermione said no one can Apparate on school grounds!

Harry: But we're not on school grounds! In fact, we're not on ground at all!

Ron: Hey, you're right! I love loopholes!

Crack!

(Everyone Disapparates)

Harry: Ah, sweet solid ground! I thought I'd never see you again.

Ron: Dammit. Snape was right in front of us and we didn't catch him.

Dobby: And we have no idea where he is headed!

Dumbledore: Ooh, I know!

Ron: You do?

Dumbledore: Oh, yes!

Harry: Good old Dumbledore! We can always count on you to have the answers!

Ron: So where is he?

Dumbledore: Where is who?

Harry: Snape! You just said you knew where he was headed!

Dumbledore: Oh no, dear boy! The reason I said "I know!" was because I just figured out the solution to today's crossword puzzle! Toodles! (disappears)

Ron:...And to think I was sad he was dead.

Harry: So, we seem to be no closer than when we started. Where could Snape possibly be?

(All think hard)

Ron: I've got it!

Harry: Really?

Ron: No.

(All think harder)

Dobby: Ooh, Dobby knows it!

Harry: Really?

Dobby: Yes! The answer to the crossword!

Harry: Should have seen that one coming.

(All think hardest)

Harry: I've got it!

Ron & Dobby: What?

Harry: He's in...the Room of Requirement!

to be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters cause blah blah blah etc. etc.

The bothering quest continues…

PART V

Ron: The Room of Requirement? How'd you figure that out, Harry?

Harry: Well, if I wanted somewhere to hide, the Room of Requirement is what I'd use. It worked for all those kids in the 7th book.

Dobby: Oh, that's genius, Harry Potter! A beacon for house elves everywhere is what you are!

Harry: Erm, right. Well, let's go!

Dobby: Yes, yes...Er, where is the Room of Requirement again?

Ron: I thought you were the one who showed it to us, Dobby!

Dobby: Well, I've forgotten. House-elves don't have very good memories, and swallowing about ten gallons of lake water doesn't really help!

Harry: Whatever. I know the way.

Dobby: Of course you do, Harry Potter! You are a shining—

Harry: Shut _up, _Dobby.

IN THE HALLWAY NEXT TO THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT...

Harry: So, all we need to do is think about what we need. So think, "We need to find Severus Snape"or something along those lines.

(they all think hard)

Harry: Okay, on the count of three, we run at the wall. Got it?

Ron: Uh, yeah…

Dobby: Whatever you say, Harry Potter!

Harry: Urgh…Okay, one…two…three!

(They run at the wall and hit it extremely hard, sliding to the ground and moaning like dementors with stomach problems)

Ron: Oooowwww...Deja vu, anyone?

Dobby: What? That hurt? Hm...I guess Dobby has hit himself on the head so many times he doesn't really feel it anymore.

Harry: We're talking about the time you sealed Platform 9&3/4.

Dobby: Oh, well, that was for Harry Potter's own good, of course.

Harry: Of course, right….jerk…Well, I wonder why it's not letting us in.

Ron: Maybe Snape put protective enchantments on it or something.

Harry: You're right, Ron. Hmmmm...Maybe if we make our request as confusing as possible, it'll let us in just cause it doesn't want to figure out what we just said.

Ron: Hmmmm...I may or may not possibly want to find the location of where Severus Whose-Last-Name-May-Or-Not-Be-Snape might or might not be, on the condition that is somewhere in the vicinity of the afore-mentioned person whose name is questionable and may or may not be hiding in your room.

Wall: No can do, pal.

Ron: Nice idea, Harry. 100 genius.

Harry: Let's think... Hey, I still have the Marauder's Map! It'll tell us where Snape is!

Ron: You what?!Idiot! You mean we could have just looked at the stupid map, and it would have told uswhere Snape is? And we wouldn't have to have asked any giant snakes, squids, or _bloody _spiders?!

Harry: Um, yeah. Pretty much.

Ron: I can't believe this. (Starts pouting)

Harry: (to Dobby) Don't worry, he always does this. Now, the Marauder's Map says Snape is….in…in the Room of Requirement. Ugh. (Puts head in hands.)

Ron: Oh, god, I turn my back for one second and you start getting all depressed? Some Chosen One you are. _Dooricus Explodicus!_

(The wall explodes)

Harry: Well, that's one way to do it.

Dobby: Dobby doesn't even think that's a real spell...

Ron: Quiet, Dobby, or you'll jinx us. Or I'll jinx you.

Dobby: Sorry. Bad, bad Dobby!

Ron: You know, just…ah, whatever.

(They step inside to a huge labyrinth of hedges)

Harry: Whoa! It's just like the Triwizard Tournament!

Ron: Um, didn't that end in one kid getting swallowed by a hedge, one getting Imperiused, one dying, and

Voldemort coming back to life?

Harry: Uh, yeah. But look on the bright side! This time, Voldemort's gone forever, and it's just us! And there's not even any giant spiders!

Giant Spider: ROAAAAR!

Ron: I hate you.

Giant Spider: Hey, I remember you! You're the kids from the Forbidden Forest!

Ron: Oh no...it's the talking one again...

Giant Spider: Robert Octovengian III, at your service! Again!

Harry: What are you doing here?

Giant Spider: Well, the funniest thing happened! I was in my web, happily sucking the juices out of a giant fly, when BANG! I was here!

Harry: Well, uh, could you, like, y'know, step aside?

Giant Spider: Sure! Anything for a friend!

(Harry, Ron and Dobby walk past him)

Ron: Well that was surprisingly easy.

Sphinx: Halt!

Ron: Why?

Sphinx: Well, 'cause I'm a sphinx, and that's what sphinxes tell people to do. I'm supposed to ask you a riddle, remember?

Ron: S'pose.

Sphinx: Now, what do you get when you cross a dragon and a bunny?

Ron: Uh...That's it?

Sphinx: Yup.

Harry: Um...

Ron: Well...

Harry: Er...

Ron: Hmm...

Harry: Ah...

Dobby: Singed Hare!

Sphinx: Very good. You Hogwarts students ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Out-riddled by a house-elf? Simply atrocious. What are they teaching you these days?

Harry: But that wasn't a riddle!

Ron: That sounded like some dumb joke written by a bunny-obsessed thirteen-year-old!

Sphinx: Um..well...that's not actually far from the truth.

Harry: Let's just go.

(They walk past the sphinx and into a wide clearing)

Harry: What are we supposed to do here?

Ron: Ahhh! Look! Dementors!

Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

(A silver stag leaps from Harry's wand and charges the dementors)

Dementors: Ohhh...what's the use running...life is so depressing...

Ron: Uh...Dementors dement themselves?

Dementors: Ugh…that stag…I simply can't stand beautiful things...they're simply revolting...what did I do to deserve this...

Harry: Who knew being a freaky, scabbed, soul-sucking hooded monster was such a sad business?

Dementors: What's the point...You and your small friend can pass...I don't care anymore...

(Dementors float away)

Harry: Well, that was strange.

Ron: On to Snape!

(They run through a gap in the hedges to find Snape sitting in a ratty old armchair, sipping lemonade)

Snape: What? How did you find me? What kind of Room of Requirement is this, if you can't even get a moment of privacy?

Harry: We've come to bother...I mean, ask you to return to Hogwarts!

Ron: Yes, your presence is, ah, greatly missed among the, um, students!

Dobby: And your punishments!

Snape: Complete tripe, all of it. But I suppose the jig is up. I'd better return with you.

(Starts to get up, then stops)

Snape: Petrificus Totalus!

(Ron and Dobby fall to the ground, paralyzed)

Harry: Hey, that's not fair!

Snape: The wild goose chase is over, Potter. It's time for a duel. You and me, one on one.

Harry: Bring it.

to be concluded...


	6. Chapter 6

The final chapter of the search for Snape begins!

Disclaimer: Ah...read the other one

PART VI

Harry: What happens if I win this duel?

Snape: Then I come back to Hogwarts like a good Potions master.

Harry: And...just out of curiosity, what if you win?

Snape: Ummm...I haven't actually figured that out yet.

Harry: ...Okay. Well, let's duel! _Levicorpus!_

Snape: (dodges) Is that the best you can do?

Harry: You invented that spell.

Snape: Uh...Well, then of course it's the best you can do. Yes. _Sectumsempra!_

Harry: Owww! You broke my nail!

Snape: Er...what?

Harry: Never mind, _Stupefy!_

Snape: Oh, I've been stunned!

Harry: Really?

Snape: No, you twit! _Serpentsortia!_

Poof!

Fred the Basilisk: Hey, how'd I get here? (Sees Snape) Oh, goody, another Dark wizard, here to command me. Sigh...Please don't make me petrify any more students?

Snape: Actually, it's just Potter.

Fred the Basilisk: Oh, really? Sorry, Harry.

Harry: _Accio Chicken!_

Snape: Accio what? You're even more of an pansy than I thought, Potter.

Chicken: Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Basilisk: Oh bother, it's a rooster! Basilisks hate roosters…which means I hate roosters! Aaaaaaah! (slithers away like a scared

little school...snake)

Harry: It would seem you are the pansy, Snape.

Snape: I am no pansy, Potter. _Pansius Revealum!_

Harry: What's that supposed to do?

Snape: It reveals all the pansies in a ten foot radius. Obviously.

(Ron starts to glow)

Snape: It would seem your best friend is the pansy, Potter. How embarrassing.

Harry: How dare you!

Snape: Easily. I'm Snape, after all.

Harry: _Pieintheface…ium!_

Snape: Ah ha ha, that's not even a real spell—

SPLAT!

Harry: _Expelliarmus!_

Snape: Ohb bobbah. (That's "oh, bother" in pie-in-the-faced speak)

Ron: Yay! Dobby and I are un-petrified!

Dobby: Ooh, pie!

Harry: That's Snape's face, Dobby.

Dobby: Oh. Bad, bad—SPLAT!

Harry: Anyway…"I am a pansy and will now go back to school." Say it, Snape.

Snape: "Potter is a pansy and will now go back to school."

Harry: You're hilarious. _Accio Shampoo!_

(A large bottle of grapefruit-scented shampoo floats to Harry's hand)

Snape: You wouldn't.

Harry: Yes I would. 1...2...

Snape: I AM A PANSY! And I'll come back to Hogwarts now! You've got me, happy?

Ron: Wow, who knew Harry had such a knack for cruelty?

Hermione: (appears out of nowhere) Hurray! Now we can have potions class again!

(Everyone falls silent.)

Snape: Well don't everyone cheer at once.

Harry: Er…right. Now let's bother him, guys!

Ron: Yaaaaaaaay!

Harry and Ron: Bother bother bother bother bother...

Dumbledore: Ah, it's so nice to see professors and students getting along so well. I think I shall join! Bother bother bother...

Snape: I hate this job.

The End!


End file.
